Apologies vary in their effectiveness. While apologies can’t always undo the harm, they can help the recipient feel acknowledged, heal emotionally, and reduce the urge for retaliation, according to Seiji Takaku, a psychology professor at Soka University of America. Conversely, a poorly executed apology can feel as offensive as the original act.
Your response should be tailored to the quality of the apology. Experts offer suggestions for various scenarios, including accepting an apology, rejecting it, or needing more time to forgive.
“Thanks for explaining why you did what you did without making an excuse.”
A sincere apology, according to Takaku, includes acknowledging the offense, explaining the actions without justifying them, expressing remorse, and promising not to repeat the behavior. If the apology is satisfactory and you wish to accept it, state so directly.
Acknowledge what you particularly appreciate. For instance, if your friend took responsibility without making excuses, thank them for that. Takaku emphasizes acknowledging these key components of a genuine apology as positive reinforcement.
“I understand you’re trying to make amends, but I’m not quite ready to accept that right now.”
When declining an apology, strike a balance between honesty and kindness, advises Audra Nuru, a professor at the University of St. Thomas. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without placing blame, such as “I’m still feeling hurt by what happened” instead of “You made me feel hurt.” This allows you to express yourself without escalating the situation.
Nuru states that while we can’t control others’ behavior, we can control our response. This communicates your boundaries clearly and personally.
“I think we need to talk about what happened.”
Sometimes, accepting an apology requires further discussion, allowing both parties to express themselves and clarify the situation. Cynthia Flores, a licensed therapist, notes that misinterpretations can occur, and a deeper conversation can reveal different perspectives.
“I’d rather you only apologize if you truly mean it.”
Forced apologies are often ineffective. If an apology seems insincere, Flores suggests indicating that silence would be preferable or stating, “This does not feel genuine.”
Similarly, if excuses accompany an apology, it’s acceptable to push back tactfully, suggesting an apology without justification. Flores emphasizes that this requires self-awareness from the apologizer but can be effective.
“I don’t get the feeling you’re really understanding the depth of my pain.”
If the person doesn’t grasp the extent of your hurt, point it out. Begin by acknowledging their desire to move forward, but explain that you can’t until they understand the impact of their actions.
Naomi Bernstein, a clinical psychologist, suggests this sets a boundary against shallow apologies while allowing for a calm discussion. She recommends having specific examples ready to illustrate what you need to hear or see for the apology to be accepted.
“I want to be honest—waiting this long hurt.”
A delayed apology can cause frustration, anger, resentment, and grief, disconnecting people and damaging the relationship, according to Flores. Inform your friend or partner how the delay affected you. Understanding the impact will encourage more timely responses in the future. Flores advises speaking honestly but without accusation.
“I hear your words, but I need to see changes to rebuild trust.”
Apologies should be followed by actions. Flores emphasizes the importance of communication: specify what actions are needed to restore trust. She says it’s about creating agreements and discussing the next steps, as relationships rely on vulnerability, safety, and trust for repair.
“Thanks—that makes me feel really safe.”
Acknowledge and appreciate sincere apologies that foster confidence and security in the relationship. Bernstein suggests telling your loved one that you appreciate the openness and hoping to reciprocate in the future. Knowing that accountability and apologies will be part of navigating future challenges will help maintain the relationship.
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