Have you ever experienced the pain of losing someone without them expressing crucial sentiments? Were you left wondering about their true feelings, or perhaps you had a disagreement with them shortly before their passing? As a hospice nurse and the founder of Doulagivers Institute, having supported over 1,000 individuals nearing the end of their lives, I understand the significance of conveying all necessary messages before death. Therefore, I advocate for everyone, regardless of age or health status, to compose their own eulogy.
Currently, there’s a shift in how funeral services are perceived. Some are reviving traditions like home wakes and funerals. Others are establishing novel ways to honor a life, demonstrating alternatives beyond the conventional. Transforming the traditional eulogy into a personalized farewell can be a meaningful and impactful way to express “I love you” one last time.
Typically, a eulogy is a heartfelt tribute delivered by someone else during the funeral or memorial service. This might be a family member, close friend, or even a member of the clergy who may not know the deceased well.
As a death doula, I have attended numerous funerals. However, the most profound sense of love and healing I’ve witnessed occurred when a self-written eulogy was shared. It is impactful, allowing everyone present to feel as though they are having a final conversation with the person they have lost. When this conversation is filled with love, it serves as the greatest comfort. This doesn’t prevent others from offering their own eulogies, but there’s something uniquely special about hearing directly from the person who is deeply missed.
Writing your own eulogy to be read after your death provides comfort in knowing you’ve left a message for your loved ones to help them cope with their grief. Even if you are in good health and young, you may find relief in knowing your eulogy is prepared. While contemplating our own mortality can be daunting, I’ve come to realize that taking control of our final arrangements can alleviate some of this fear, fostering a sense of peace rather than dreading the unknown.
It also presents an opportunity to share valuable life lessons, especially with young children or grandchildren. I recall someone who wrote about his past overwork, before realizing the importance of spending time with family. He included this in his eulogy, reminiscing about cherished memories with his children, wife, and parents that would have been missed if he had continued working overtime. He acknowledged that it meant foregoing expensive vacations, but as he stated, “seeing the Great Wall of China will never compare to watching my five-year-old perform in a kindergarten play.”
A first-person eulogy provides the ideal space for offering apologies that were never voiced and resolving conflicts before death. For strained or conflicted relationships, a pre-written eulogy can offer comforting closure, transforming a somber occasion into a powerful, healing experience.
Some individuals use their eulogy to express remorse for their human imperfections, reassuring loved ones that they tried their best despite shortcomings, and hoping that those left behind will cherish the positive memories over the painful ones.
Most importantly, your eulogy is a chance to convey your love and appreciation for the people in your life. You can communicate their importance to you, your admiration for them, and the invaluable impact they’ve had on your life. Even if you’ve already expressed these sentiments directly, reiterating them one last time after you’re gone will hold immense significance for them.
If you have children, expressing your pride will resonate with them forever. I suggest being specific, addressing each child’s individual strengths that you admire, and offering encouragement and confidence for their future. It’s your opportunity to affirm your belief in them and the life they can create, regardless of any challenges they may have faced. If your child is struggling, this can provide a remarkable boost.
You can’t always rely on having the chance to say goodbye to your loved ones. Even with a prolonged illness, you might be unconscious or too weak to do so. By writing your own first-person eulogy in advance, you can say goodbye to everyone who has touched your life—not only family and close friends but also colleagues, mentors, and community members you wish to acknowledge and share your feelings about. When writing while healthy, you’re less likely to forget anyone and can always add to the list as needed. Preparing this in advance is incredibly empowering and comforting, ensuring that nothing is left unsaid.
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