While the exact causes of depression remain elusive to researchers, it’s clear that it’s not a matter of simply choosing to be unappreciative.
This is why New York psychotherapist Claudia Giolitti-Wright finds it problematic when clients share common responses they receive from loved ones, such as, “But you have so much to be grateful for!” In her view, this is one of the most detrimental things you can say to someone opening up about their struggles with mental health.
“It suggests that gratitude should automatically negate depression, which isn’t how the brain functions,” she explains. “It’s possible to feel simultaneously numb and grateful. Success and positive thoughts can coexist with depression. Dismissing either of these realities silences those who need support most.”
Other responses can also be hurtful. Here are a few, along with suggestions for more helpful alternatives.
“It could be worse.”
What to say instead: “What you’re going through sounds very painful. I want to understand it more.”
According to Giolitti-Wright, telling someone their situation “could be worse” implies that their pain is only valid if it reaches a certain level of severity. This can lead them to believe they don’t deserve help, potentially worsening feelings of guilt and self-blame often associated with depression. (For example: “Why am I depressed when others are starving?”)
Instead, respond with genuine curiosity, validating their experience. This fosters a sense of safety in the relationship, showing you are present and empathetic, says Giolitti-Wright.
“Have you tried yoga?”
What to say instead: “Would it help to talk about it, or would you rather I just sit with you?”
Yoga or a walk won’t cure clinical depression. Giolitti-Wright notes that people often offer “unsolicited, simplistic, and stereotypical advice” to friends in distress. This is dismissive, implying the person hasn’t already tried such options. It also shifts the burden onto them, suggesting their depression is due to a lack of effort, rather than a legitimate condition.
A better approach is to ask if they want to talk, demonstrating your presence rather than immediately trying to solve their problems. “You’re empowering them to express their needs instead of jumping to advice,” Giolitti-Wright explains.
“Snap out of it!”
What to say instead: “I don’t know exactly what to say, but I’m here.”
Telling someone to “snap out of it” is unhelpful for numerous reasons. “It suggests the person is choosing to feel this way, which is hurtful,” Giolitti-Wright says. She has observed that it can lead to internalized shame. “Some clients think, ‘What’s wrong with me? I can’t snap out of it.'” She reassures them that if overcoming depression were that easy, her profession wouldn’t exist.
It’s okay to admit you don’t know what to say when a friend is struggling. The perfect words aren’t necessary. More importantly, Giolitti-Wright emphasizes, be warm, open, and present.
“You’re just being dramatic.”
What to say instead: “Would you like support in finding someone to talk about how you’re feeling?”
Accusing someone of being dramatic is a common and harmful response, Giolitti-Wright notes. “It’s invalidating and particularly damaging to women, who already face the cultural stereotype that equates emotion with irrationality,” she says. “It encourages suppressing emotions instead of exploring them, which is crucial when depressed.”
Offering assistance in finding professional mental-health support is a much better way to help. This could involve researching therapists accepting new patients or offering to provide childcare during appointments.
“Oh, well, everyone feels like that sometimes.”
What to say instead: “That sounds really heavy. I’m here to support you however I can.”
This response, while often well-intentioned, minimizes the person’s experience in an attempt to normalize an uncomfortable situation. “Depression isn’t just about sadness,” Giolitti-Wright explains; it can include fatigue, brain fog, social isolation, suicidal thoughts, and changes in weight.
Instead, acknowledge the difficulty of their experience, which “validates the emotional weight and encourages deeper conversation.”
“But you seem fine.”
What to say instead: “I’m really glad you shared this with me. You don’t have to pretend with me.”
People often assume that high-functioning individuals are fine, but this reflects a “distorted view of depression, where people don’t eat, sleep, work, or shower,” Giolitti-Wright says. “Many people actively mask their symptoms due to stigma, shame, and fear of burdening others.”
Instead, let them know they can be honest with you. Acknowledging that someone can appear fine while still struggling fosters authenticity, which is essential for healing, says Giolitti-Wright. “When we respond to someone’s depression with curiosity and empathy, instead of judgment, advice, or correction, we contribute to their healing process. This can be transformative.”
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com
“`