The Actual Reason Your Partner Claims You Don’t Listen
—Photo-Illustration by TIME (Source Image: skynesher/Getty Images)(SeaPRwire) - Most of us believe that a good listener maintains steady eye contact, nods appropriately, reflects feelings with empathy and stays fully present—without glancing at their phone.But here’s the truth, according to one of the top researchers in listening: That ideal is largely a cultural construct.“Good listening is a myth,” says Graham Bodie, a professor of media and communication at the University of Mississippi who studies how people listen, comprehend, and respond. “The notion that there’s one universal set of behaviors everyone should follow or a single way everyone ought to listen” is just an illusion, he explains.Bodie has spent his career challenging the clear-cut “active listening” checklists found in workplace training sessions and relationship advice columns—such as making eye contact, nodding, paraphrasing, asking open-ended questions, and avoiding interruptions. He acknowledges these aren’t bad suggestions, but the issue lies in treating them as a universal rule—as if being a good listener were something you could mimic like a pose, rather than a dynamic decision made in real time.The real question, he argues, isn’t whether you’re a good listener. It’s whether you’re listening in the right way for that specific conversation.You're listening—just not the way they wantMost disputes about listening usually aren’t really about attention at all, Bodie says. They stem from a disconnect between what the speaker hoped for and what the listener provided.“When we judge someone as a good or bad listener, we rely on a particular framework of what we think makes up effective listening,” he explains. “And if that doesn’t align with what the other person expects, we end up in confusing arguments. ‘You’re not listening to me.’ ‘Yes, I am.’ ‘No, you’re not.’”He offers a common example: Your partner returns home upset after a difficult day at work. Your natural response is to shift into problem-solving mode. You believe you’re being a great listener—but they feel dismissed.“Advice can be risky,” Bodie notes. “When someone offers advice, it implies we’re unable to manage our own challenges. And most of us don’t like feeling incapable. Sometimes, all the person wants is to be heard, comforted, and supported while expressing their emotions.This scenario often affects analytical thinkers. Those who naturally lean toward a questioning, detail-focused style—asking “Where’s your source?” or “Can you prove that?”—are frequently seen as cold or confrontational. But Bodie points out they may actually be listening effectively—just not in the manner the speaker needed at that moment. “Am I a poor listener because I expect you to cite credible sources?” he asks. “Or am I simply using a listening approach that doesn’t match what you need right now?”Pay attention to what they’re reaching forIf there’s no universal standard for good listening, how do you listen well? Bodie says it boils down to a simple yet obvious principle: Focus on the language the other person is actually using.“What exactly are they saying?” he says. “What phrases keep repeating? What clearly matters to them?” Then, reflect and adapt accordingly. If someone uses emotional expressions—like “I feel…” or “I’m so frustrated”—they likely want deeper emotional engagement. If they speak in facts and figures, they probably prefer a discussion grounded in data. Relying on a default approach across every conversation is precisely how well-meaning listeners often fall short.If you know the person well enough, Bodie says it’s perfectly acceptable to ask: “I want to support you best—what would be most helpful to you right now?”Most people operate from a default listening style—analytical, advisory, emotionally attuned, or distracted—and apply it indiscriminately to everyone, constantly. Then we wonder why the people we care about repeatedly say they don’t feel truly heard. The solution, he argues, isn’t improving your listening performance. It’s simply paying closer attention. This article is provided by a third-party content provider. SeaPRwire (https://www.seaprwire.com/) makes no warranties or representations regarding its content. Category: Top News, Daily News SeaPRwire provides global press release distribution services for companies and organizations, covering more than 6,500 media outlets, 86,000 editors and journalists, and over 3.5 million end-user desktop and mobile apps. SeaPRwire supports multilingual press release distribution in English, Japanese, German, Korean, French, Russian, Indonesian, Malay, Vietnamese, Chinese, and more.
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